48
edits
Changes
mLine 2:
Line 2: − ===Scene 0.===+ Line 11:
Line 11: − ===Scene One, Classroom, Day.===+ − + − + − + Line 38:
Line 38: − + − + − + Line 48:
Line 48: − ===Scene Two, Bedroom, Night.===+ Line 57:
Line 57: − + − + Line 66:
Line 66: − You’re so cool! Thanks!! + − You’re amazing! Thanks so much! + Line 77:
Line 77: − It’s nothing. I’m glad I could help. ) + Line 86:
Line 86: − + − + − + Line 109:
Line 109: − + − ===Scene Three, Streets, Late Afternoon.===+ − There’s a girl from another class. + − + Line 126:
Line 126: − + Line 132:
Line 132: − + − + − + − …But I’ve never seen her use a NAVI before.+ − + − + − ===Scene Four, Bedroom, Night.===+ Line 156:
Line 156: − …I wonder…+ Line 175:
Line 175: − …They told me about abandoning the flesh.+ Line 182:
Line 182: − + − + − + − ===Scene Five, Empty Corridor, Late afternoon.===+ Line 195:
Line 195: − + − I’m pathetic. Here I’m nobody at all.+ − + Line 208:
Line 208: − ===Scene Six, Front hall, evening===+ Line 223:
Line 223: − ===Scene 0.2===+
clean up, typos fixed: don’t → don't (25), … → ... (6), isn’t → isn't, You’re → You're (2), she’s → she's, There’s → There's (2), It’s → It's (6), ’s → 's
= Second Draft (ain) =
= Second Draft (ain) =
==Scene 0.==
''Black screen. Words, center, type in''
''Black screen. Words, center, type in''
''Fade out.''
''Fade out.''
==Scene One, Classroom, Day.==
''Ambient hushed whispers. Image, sheet of paper with class play, in moonspeak. [Can be legitimate, like Love-Suicide at Amajima, or we could just stick text from scenario experiments lain in].''
''Ambient hushed whispers. Image, sheet of paper with class play, in moonspeak. [Can be legitimate, like Love-Suicide at Amajima, or we could just stick text from scenario experiments lain in].''
I don’t know why, but I can’t seem to do anything right.
I don't know why, but I can't seem to do anything right.
It was only a minor role in a class play. I had one line. Just one.
It was only a minor role in a class play. I had one line. Just one.
But I couldn’t say it. My time came to say my line, but I couldn’t make a sound.
But I couldn't say it. My time came to say my line, but I couldn't make a sound.
Everyone was staring at me. Waiting for me. The play couldn’t go on until I gave the main character his cue.
Everyone was staring at me. Waiting for me. The play couldn't go on until I gave the main character his cue.
I started shaking. My heart raced.
I started shaking. My heart raced.
''Montage of scenery of Chisa highlighted alone in various scenes of her being isolated, being bullied, perhaps, sitting by herself at Cyberia, walking home alone, perhaps entering an empty house, loop until ending of text in bold below.''
''Montage of scenery of Chisa highlighted alone in various scenes of her being isolated, being bullied, perhaps, sitting by herself at Cyberia, walking home alone, perhaps entering an empty house, loop until ending of text in bold below.''
'''It’s always been like this.'''
'''It's always been like this.'''
'''They don’t need me.'''
'''They don't need me.'''
'''The world doesn’t need me.'''
'''The world doesn't need me.'''
''Fade to black, while still looping. After black, stop looping.''
''Fade to black, while still looping. After black, stop looping.''
'''Chisa:''' “I’m sorry…”
'''Chisa:''' “I’m sorry…”
==Scene Two, Bedroom, Night.==
''Image, Chibi-Navi login screen. Ambient noise from computer fans.''
''Image, Chibi-Navi login screen. Ambient noise from computer fans.''
(「だれ？」
(「だれ？」
I have another life. On the Wired.
I have another life. On the Wired.
I can talk to people there. It’s easy, hiding behind a screen. I don’t get nervous. I can find people who are like me, and even make friends with them.
I can talk to people there. It's easy, hiding behind a screen. I don't get nervous. I can find people who are like me, and even make friends with them.
On the Wired, nobody knows who I am. I don’t need to stay silent, afraid of saying something wrong. There are no consequences to my mistakes. Nobody hates me there.
On the Wired, nobody knows who I am. I don't need to stay silent, afraid of saying something wrong. There are no consequences to my mistakes. Nobody hates me there.
''Image, screen, perhaps some BBS or Futaba-based imageboard.''
''Image, screen, perhaps some BBS or Futaba-based imageboard.''
＞＞７３
＞＞７３
すごい！乙！！
すごい！乙！！
You're so cool! Thanks!!
名無しさん Ｎｏ．７９
名無しさん Ｎｏ．７９
Anonymous
Anonymous
＞＞７３
＞＞７３
神！大きにありがとう！
神！大きにありがとう！
You're amazing! Thanks so much!
ヨモ田さん Ｎｏ．８０
ヨモ田さん Ｎｏ．８０
Yomoda-san
Yomoda-san
＞＞７９
＞＞７９
どういたしまして。喜んで手伝った。＾_＾
どういたしまして。喜んで手伝った。＾_＾
It's nothing. I'm glad I could help. )
I was useful there.
I was useful there.
誰もあたしのことわからない。クラスにいる少女たちにクラッブへ連れて来られたけど、あたし、踊れらないから取り残された。
誰もあたしのことわからない。クラスにいる少女たちにクラッブへ連れて来られたけど、あたし、踊れらないから取り残された。
あたしの存在は惨めね。
あたしの存在は惨めね。
Nobody understands me. I was taken to a club by some girls in my class, but I can’t dance, so they left me behind.
Nobody understands me. I was taken to a club by some girls in my class, but I can't dance, so they left me behind.
My existence is wretched, isn’t it?
My existence is wretched, isn't it?
名無しさん Ｎｏ． ３３
名無しさん Ｎｏ． ３３
Anonymous
Anonymous
＞＞３２
＞＞３２
ひどい！かまわない、ヨモ田さん！そう言った人々は友達じゃないよー
ひどい！かまわない、ヨモ田さん！そう言った人々は友達じゃないよー
How mean! Don’t worry about it, Yomoda-san! People like that aren’t friends!
How mean! Don't worry about it, Yomoda-san! People like that aren't friends!
名無しさん Ｎｏ． ３４
名無しさん Ｎｏ． ３４
Anonymous
Anonymous
They want me there.
They want me there.
I can be myself in front of them, and I don’t need to worry about them hating me at all. I can speak my mind without freezing up or wanting to cry.
I can be myself in front of them, and I don't need to worry about them hating me at all. I can speak my mind without freezing up or wanting to cry.
I belong there.
I belong there.
==Scene Three, Streets, Late Afternoon.==
''Image, streets, include bloody shadows. Ambient waan waan waan 50MHz hum.''
''Image, streets, include bloody shadows. Ambient waan waan waan 50MHz hum.''
There's a girl from another class.
Lain Iwakura.
Lain Iwakura.
She never talks to anyone. That means she’s quiet, like me. I think she might be lonely, too.
She never talks to anyone. That means she's quiet, like me. I think she might be lonely, too.
Like me.
Like me.
I walked home with her today. We never said a word to each other, but I felt somehow connected to her.
I walked home with her today. We never said a word to each other, but I felt somehow connected to her.
Even though she and I never spoke, I felt comforted. It was a familiar feeling that I couldn’t place at first, but then I realized—
Even though she and I never spoke, I felt comforted. It was a familiar feeling that I couldn't place at first, but then I realized—
For some reason, being with lain felt just like being on the Wired.
For some reason, being with lain felt just like being on the Wired.
''Image, lain profile view from her left, expression rather blank and forlorn.''
''Image, lain profile view from her left, expression rather blank and forlorn.''
I feel like she belongs there too, just like me. I don’t know how, but I feel like she would be happy there.
I feel like she belongs there too, just like me. I don't know how, but I feel like she would be happy there.
I want to be her friend. But I can’t talk to people in a place like this.
I want to be her friend. But I can't talk to people in a place like this.
If only she was on the Wired, we could be happy together. We could connect, and we wouldn’t have to hide or walk home in silence.
If only she was on the Wired, we could be happy together. We could connect, and we wouldn't have to hide or walk home in silence.
...But I’ve never seen her use a NAVI before.
I wanted to tell her, ‘Come to the Wired as soon as you can,’ but I didn’t say anything.
I wanted to tell her, ‘Come to the Wired as soon as you can,’ but I didn't say anything.
I don’t know why, but I can’t seem to do anything right.
I don't know why, but I can't seem to do anything right.
==Scene Four, Bedroom, Night.==
''Image, screen, closeup of some words on the screen. Ambient computer noises.''
''Image, screen, closeup of some words on the screen. Ambient computer noises.''
(ここに神様がいるよー)
(ここに神様がいるよー)
He loves all of us.
He loves all of us.
...I wonder...
If he truly can love someone like me.
If he truly can love someone like me.
They said it would let me enter the Wired without needing a NAVI.
They said it would let me enter the Wired without needing a NAVI.
...They told me about abandoning the flesh.
''Image, screen, chat client again.''
''Image, screen, chat client again.''
[04:31:23] ヨモダ：そう・・・必要ない。)
[04:31:23] ヨモダ：そう・・・必要ない。)
''Chisa:'' Is that really the only way? It sounds scary…
''Chisa:'' Is that really the only way? It sounds scary...
''Knight:'' Yeah. There’s no other way. You said that the real world doesn’t need you, anyway, didn’t you?
''Knight:'' Yeah. There's no other way. You said that the real world doesn't need you, anyway, didn't you?
''Chisa:'' Right…it doesn’t need me.
''Chisa:'' Right...it doesn't need me.
==Scene Five, Empty Corridor, Late afternoon.==
''Silence''
''Silence''
Waiting.
Waiting.
I didn’t talk to lain today, either. I just couldn’t. I was too afraid.
I didn't talk to lain today, either. I just couldn't. I was too afraid.
I'm pathetic. Here I'm nobody at all.
But there I can be somebody. I can work to my fullest potential. I can become someone worthy of God’s Love.
But there I can be somebody. I can work to my fullest potential. I can become someone worthy of God's Love.
I belong there, in the Wired.
I belong there, in the Wired.
'''Chisa:''' “I…would be better off not being in a place like this…”
'''Chisa:''' “I…would be better off not being in a place like this…”
==Scene Six, Front hall, evening==
''Image, open package with a Psyche processor nearby. Should be something like an envelope.''
''Image, open package with a Psyche processor nearby. Should be something like an envelope.''
''Fade to black''
''Fade to black''
==Scene 0.2==
''Slowly fade in words from before.''
''Slowly fade in words from before.''
