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:Perhaps it could be a little longer, but I am liking the structure. I think ending the story at the ''"I let it all go."'' (basically leaving out the "aftermath") might have a nice, strong impact. --[[User:アラベスク|アラベスク]] 15:07, 19 December 2012 (UTC)
:Perhaps it could be a little longer, but I am liking the structure. I think ending the story at the ''"I let it all go."'' (basically leaving out the "aftermath") might have a nice, strong impact. --[[User:アラベスク|アラベスク]] 15:07, 19 December 2012 (UTC)
:: I do like the idea of that being the end. Maybe slip a mental invite to Lain earlier into the last paragraph?[[User:Bytor|Bytor]] 22:33, 19 December 2012 (UTC)
::One place I could see lengthening it is to maybe have some content as she decides to go to the Wired. I don't think she would be in a state to just jump right away, so maybe some more debating it, finding out what is involved, getting convinced? I do like what is here, and I think it will work well as a sort of intro, first story for the collection- lengthening it to much may ruin that "prelude" feel. [[User:Bytor|Bytor]] 22:20, 19 December 2012 (UTC)
::One place I could see lengthening it is to maybe have some content as she decides to go to the Wired. I don't think she would be in a state to just jump right away, so maybe some more debating it, finding out what is involved, getting convinced? I do like what is here, and I think it will work well as a sort of intro, first story for the collection- lengthening it to much may ruin that "prelude" feel. [[User:Bytor|Bytor]] 22:20, 19 December 2012 (UTC)
